And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death.

Revelation 12:11 ESV

This is a long one. I truly believe God had me type it out before sharing it publicly. Not shortening it, not to edit it (too much), but to put it out there. I pray it blesses you and helps someone to overcome.

My Life without Christ: 

If I could give a word for my life without Christ it would be ‘lost without a GPS.’ When you’re lost you’re also confused. When you’re lost you are swayed by the wind. You think you should go one way but you quickly find out that there’s a roadblock there so you try another way and find out its wrong too and you end up in a place you didn’t want to be desperately asking people around you for directions, except if you were anything like me, you were too prideful to ask and you keep going on your own notions and what you think is right. 

There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

Provers 14:12 NLT

I grew up going to church. With amazing parents who I dearly love. I grew up SDA and had a great church family. I love them all to this day, I would say my favorite thing about my childhood was church, my church family, and the leaders. If someone would ask me what do you believe I would say I’m Seventh-Day Adventist and I believe in Jesus and the Bible but I go to church on Saturday. We had fundamental beliefs and that is all I knew. But I didn’t know Christ; I knew the Church, our beliefs and all the people I loved seeing every week. 

The Church taught me about the Bible Stories like David, Esther, and Daniel, it taught me how to serve others, it taught me how to think about others first, and taught me what community was— But it never taught me how to have a relationship with the Father or with Jesus and certainly we didn’t know about the workings of the Holy Spirit. 

It was always do not eat this or do not eat that. Do not touch this and do not go to church on this day. I do not judge them as Romans 14 says we shouldn’t judge, but this was my experience and my foundational beliefs before coming to the true knowledge of Christ were: if you do the works to the best of your ability, you are saved. 

Coming to “Christ”

So I continued in the works and even got baptized around 14 yrs old I believe! I didn’t tell anyone until the day of and I was only doing it because all my friends had already been baptized. And in the church you couldn’t participate in certain activities like communion and feet washing if you weren’t baptized and I felt left out lol. 

but sin was hiding in plain sight.

While all of this was going on I had a dark secret that I didn’t tell anyone. I was struggling with something I didn’t have the words to express. When I was young around 6 yrs old to 9 yrs old I’m not really sure exactly how old I was, I was molested by someone who we used to call uncle. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew it wasn’t good. And I remember feeling really confused. As a young girl you are just taught to obey your elders and out of respect you do what you are told. I remember a lot of my youth being like that. 

The enemy kept me quiet about this for almost 2 decades. Why? So the cycle could continue with other people and we would all be living in shame. I want to share this because it is a big part of how God’s love saved me. 

When you are marked for greatness in Christ, the enemy knows this and will try his best to take you out and create a victim out of you. However, in Christ we are more than conquerors through Him who LOVED US. 

The Effects of Sin

Anyways because of this, I lived to please people. I thought people only liked me for what I could do for them. Which is the complete opposite of the Gospel Of Jesus Christ. While I was growing up I lived to please the church, my friends, and my parents. I wanted to be the best at everything and be perfect because I thought that if I did or lived up to what people expected of me, they would be happy with me and want to stick beside me. 

Because of what I went through, I didn’t know anyone could love me, just for me and not what I could do for them. But little did I know, the love of Christ would lift me up out of that deceptive mindset. 

Because the door of molestation opened, it came with sexual immorality terrible addictions behind closed doors, insecurity, shame, and guilt.

I was living a life that was lukewarm. I had accepted and acknowledged Jesus as THE Savior but not MY Saviour and definitely not my Lord.

But the love of the Father is this: Even though the Israelites rebelled, God gave them manna from Heaven, sweet water when the streams were bitter, and split the seas. Just like them, God provided for me sooo much even in my rebellion. He got me out of so much trouble, yet still I was blinded to His love. 

College: Where life went from worse to worse. 

In college I started drinking. I mean from the second my parents left me on campus, I was out on the town drinking, partying, hooking up, doing all the things, but I thought oh I’m still better than everyone else, at least I’m going to church on the correct day. Wrong— God doesn’t measure our sin. My pride and religious spirit thought I could get away with just enough but God cannot be mocked! 

I got so depressed one semester I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t getting out of bed I wasn’t going to classes- nothing. I ended up with a 1.0 gpa that semester. I lost my scholarship, and I decided that I had to go home and maybe that will help me feel better.

I want to tell you no matter where you move, or how much money you accumulate, if you do not turn to Jesus your life may change externally, but never internally.

During this time I realized that all I had went through as a kid was started to come up in my life. I was in relationship after relationship trying to find love in people when Christ’s love was all that could really satisfy.

I was still depressed, but managed to get my grades back up a little bit to move back to school and finish my degree by God’s KINDNESS AND GRACE! 

These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.

Matthew 15:8 NIV

I was still putting my trust in people, had hope in myself and my own works. I wasn’t pursuing Christ. I would always say “God, I’m so sorry I will do better next time I want to change for You!” instead of letting go, and letting Him do the changes in me. 

Many people are suffering from needless stress, worry, anxiety, or confusion because they’re in places with people God never intended for them. 

lukewarm goes cold.

I would do bible study with my cousins who I was staying with at the time and then I would go out and try to drink my worries away because of how miserable I was. I didn’t know peace and at the time, and at the time, my god was work and my boss was my idol. 

You know when you don’t know your identity in Christ you will fall for anything. You will do anything and you will say yes to all the things. I was completely blinded, thinking I was living a fun life when inside I knew the real truth. 

the transformation

In my heart I knew things had to change, and that God was calling me to surrender my entire life to Him. And to a relationship with Him

I started reading my Bible more yet, I was still going to places that didn’t please God. 

I started fasting and praying, but I wasn’t making any changes in my personal life. I thought I could just crank up my prayer life and keep my personal life, but God was calling me to give Him everything! 

That’s when someone sent me a link to Prayer Warriors, a group of young men and women on fire for Christ.

And this was around the time I remember God was calling me to submit everything to Him. Specifically a relationship. I started to want more from God!! 

During this time God had called me to be like Joseph and RUN completely from any hint of sexual immorality and that meant putting up boundaries first. 

I prayed to the Lord and I said God, if this person isn’t for me take it away. That night I felt a tug to go onto the prayer call, thinking it was a Tuesday, when I would normally meet with the prayer warriors I logged on. But it was a Monday and for some reason they were praying! I didn’t know that they were on a fast. That very next day me and the person broke up and I was devastated but then God reminded me of my prayer. God had revealed to me during this time that I had made relationships an idol. (An idol is anything you would listen to more than God.) 

It wasn’t just that God was taking that relationship away. At the root of it all was that He was taking away my desire to please people. Now, I do not say yes to things that I know will take me away from what I should be doing. 

God took away my desire for basically anything that would feed my flesh. To live a life that would please only my Creator!

His Love for me was so real that it didn’t allow me to stay the same. 

The biggest thing God did for me was not in all the ways He changed my desires. It was 2,000 years ago when He sent His Son to die for me while I was yet in sin, gossiping, lying, being mean to people, manipulating men, lying, fornicating, drinking, smoking. He died for me when I was sinning so that I could live an eternity with Him. 

Those ways were not only leading me to a physical death but a spiritual death. I was dead in my mind. Depressed anxious and without any hope of peace. I couldn’t even sleep some days. But Christ died for me so that now, today, if I cannot fall asleep I say Jesus You are my peace, and because I am understanding His love, it comes to pass.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;

I will protect him, because he knows my name.

Psalm 91:14

There is a hope and it is in Christ. That what the enemy meant for evil God will surely turn it around for your good. That because the Father forgave me— someone who was turned away from Christ, because He did that for me, He can do the same for you. 

I have gladly forgiven the person who molested me when I was younger. I have gladly given mercy and will now ask for mercy from those who I have hurt in my past. Why? Because Christ has given me a new heart. My life is not fought against flesh and blood (people) God restored my thinking (Romans 12:2).

I am still on this journey. I am not perfect but my heart is new. I’m still learning to love people and to receive love, and thank God this is a journey and not a sprint lol. 

Accept Christ, follow Him, and I promise you as He did it for me, He will do the same for you, and even more I believe!

I remember in College one lady came up to me and asked me if I was going to Heaven and I said I do not know. She gave me a pamphlet explaining the Gospel and this is a defining moment I still have. I thought that me getting into Heaven was the result of my works. That because I wasn’t living right I was going to Hell. When in reality I wasn’t living right and I was deep in sin because I didn’t truly accept and believe that Jesus came to rescue me from my sins, and to wash me clean. Your salvation can only found in Jesus who died on the cross.
Yes, there is a cost, but as Romans 2:4 says ‘Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?’